Inexplicably pirates
by Manin
Summary: I found a slash prompt generator for Naruto, and my soul is now forfeit. Character labels only apply to the first chapter.
1. Chapter 1

**The prompt reads simply this: Ebisu, Kakuzu, R, Locker room, lightning. **

**Please keep that in mind before you go all comments ninja, and utterly _wreck_ me.**

Ebisu walked into the spacious locker room, suspicious. His crew, a group of the most talented young pirates an academy could offer had been cheerily pranking any and all they could get their hands on, starting with stringing Sakura up by her underwear on the ornamental bits adorning the outside of their academy, and reaching a crescendo with the brutal hair-shaving of a woman named Shizune, who they apparently attacked, held down and _sheared all her hair off_ because she was wearing _socks._

And now, on his _birthday no less,_ his rowdy group of fledglings had decided to go and do... _something_ to their own damn comrade, an intimidating, quiet young man named Kakuzu.

Ebisu had always liked Kakuzu, he was a strange and refreshing mixture of stoic, and explosive. So when he realized that the others had probably done something unspeakable to him, he immediately assumed that they had left him in the locker rooms, because Kakuzu _hated_ it in there, and everyone knew it. So Ebisu walked down the empty, silent halls (they had a large, state of the art locker room, with its own room for a spacious, _expensive_ public shower, which was probably why Kakuzu hated it so much) and contemplated what could have _possibly_ been done to Kakuzu.

He couldn't see them actually overpowering him _individually,_ because no matter how obnoxiously tenacious Hidan was, or impossibly crafty Itachi could be during battle, no matter how many times you sicced that psychotic motherfuck, Deidara on Kakuzu, he always came out at the other end.

No matter how numb and ruthless and tough Sasori was, the most he could do was gouge an enormous hole in Kakuzu's leg, and no matter how horribly _lucky_ Tobi was, no matter how many times he bounced, like some kind of hate-able, overgrown, masked _puppy,_ away from Kakuzu's wrath, all he could do was rebound off of Kakuzu.

Strangely, all Kakuzu could do to _Tobi_ was remarkably similar...

and Zetsu hadn't even tried _once_ to hurt Kakuzu, choosing instead to remain boringly aloof. Pein didn't quite deign to stoop so low as to _actually_ come out of his rooms, (He was working on it, but he was just _so_ busy) and had sent Konan, who left Kakuzu with tiny, non-lethal cuts all over his body (..._somehow.)_ that itched and burned and drove him insane.

Kisame and Kakuzu were apparently on good terms (They hadn't quite noticed each other yet.) and had only ever fought to the death once.

Ebisu viewed Kakuzu as the most promising of his students, the most dignified, the stoic, reasonable person who spoke his mind when it suited him, and quietly and efficiently carried out missions and raids with dignity and poise, just like he did everything. He was truly an admirable studen-

He turned a corner, and happened across Kakuzu, who was masturbating furiously in the shower.

(**A.N. Now, here, I was nearly overcome with the mad urge to take advantage of this beautiful, **_**beautiful**_** cliffhanger. But I just... couldn't... stop.)**

Kakuzu was a normal young pirate. He planned on becoming a captain, _soon,_ and he would lead the five nations in unison, or possibly just open a business and rake in the cash. It would, admittedly, be a _lot_ harder without his prodigious team mates at his side, seeing as they were all _fucking dead when he got out of this shower,_ but he was sure he could manage. His hand slid rhythmically over his erection.

…

GOD, to hell with rhythmic! He had always, _always _teased himself like this, he wanted to have a nice, mind blowing orgasm, _by himself,_ and then he wanted to systematically _hunt_ his team mates.

The thought made his dick pulse in his hand and he bent over it, rolling his hips up into his hand and completely disregarding the way his knees felt against the floor.

The water spattered against his head, Ebisu made a choked sound over by the door, and Kakuzu was _this close_ to getting his fucking fingers nice and wet, and then _screwing himself until he could not-_

Wait.

What?

"K-Kakuzu-"

Oh, _god._ The sound of someone talking to him during this, Ebisu's voice rough and deep from shock (And probably the choking) made him _almost _whimper. Almost.

Instead, he he looked up at Ebisu. Ebisu! Of all people! And uttered one word that he thought he would never say.

"_Dude."_

Ebisu was across the room in an instant, kneeling at Kakuzu's side and putting a hand to his forehead. "Are you ill, Kakuzu?" he asked, concerned.

Kakuzu, saying _dude?_ _Was it even him?_

At Ebisu's touch, Kakuzu panted harshly and managed not to choke on air that seemed too hot to breath, suddenly.

"Itachi. Orochimaru. Some kind... some kind of d-drug.."

Ebisu looked absolutely unsurprised at the mention of Itachi the Strangely and Passive Aggressively Vindictive older brother, and Orochimaru the Openly Terrifying Thingy who was Far Too open to Suggestions (Especially ones from Itachi.)

"Is there anything I can do to help, Kakuzu? I could take you to the Nurs-"

It was an odd sight, Ebisu with his funny black hair that stuck up everywhere, dark glasses dangling off the edge of his nose, and Kakuzu with his raging erection, (one hand wrapped firmly around it) and an arm slung around Ebisu to keep him from getting away, as Kakuzu essentially fucked Ebisu's mouth with his tongue.

After about an eternity of Ebisu _completely_ forgetting himself, and Kakuzu learning all about what it felt like to be kissed like you were dying, they broke apart, gasping.

Then Ebisu said; "Oh." and lunged at Kakuzu, and then he had him pressed up against the tiles and was kissing and nipping at his lips, and Kakuzu couldn't _think _anymore, couldn't think as his own hand was slapped away from his dick, and Ebisu's took its place.

He writhed under the new sensation, bucking into the hand and yanking at Ebisu, down for another kiss, but then Ebisu was at his throat instead, biting and sucking at the muscle there.

Kakuzu _wailed,_ and came all over Ebisu's hand.

In the aftermath, in which there was a _lot_ of sitting against the shower wall and blushing, they managed to work out what had happened. The second time Kakuzu managed to actually complete the sentence; "My evil, scumsucking companions drugged me with Lightning powder, one of _the more expensive aphrodisiacs in existence_, Ebisu managed not to laugh.

There wasn't a third time, because the effects came back, and Ebisu decided to find out how long it would take for Kakuzu to come undone over his knee.

It took three fingers, and _endless_ patience, but at the slow, hard grind of long fingers against his prostate, Kakuzu came so hard he passed out, and Ebisu congratulated himself on the control it took not to wake Kakuzu up and buck into that _tight_ ass, until Kakuzu came like a fucking animal, and Ebisu finally achieved some kind of release. Yep, it took a special kind of control to let the poor man sleep.

For ten minutes.

**A.N**

**OHGODWHATISTHIS**


	2. HakuxTobi

**I CAN'T STOP!**

Tobi wouldn't mind having a lover. He had simply accepted that he would never, _ever_ have one. Something about the fact that he couldn't quite grasp the concept of "normal", and how he should go die in the dirt like a dog.

(He got all his romantic advice from Deidara.)

so when you consider the fact that Tobi had completely given up on having an actual _boyfriend/girlfriend_, and was resigned to growing old and alone and sad and ugly and lonely, this came as a bit of a surprise.

Haku stared up at him with a feverish glint in his eye.

_Four hours ago._

"AAAUGH!"

"LOOK OUT!"

and then they collided.

_Now._

"Now, listen Haku-san, I realize you must be angry, because of the concussion and then the nurse was too drunk to take care of you and then the medicine I had was expired-"

"You are sho _shexy."_

Mused Haku, eyes slightly crossed.

"- But I don't see how this is going to help you stop being angry at me, and your still sitting on me, Y'know?"

Haku stared at him with a glazed, adoring expression, and didn't move, except to palm Tobi's crotch a little firmer.

"Lemme shee whats under that _mask._"

Tobi completely wussed out as Haku reached for his mask, and stopped him halfway, leaving his mouth and nose exposed.

Haku thought about this for a second, shrugged, and thought, _Close enough._

Then they were kissing, and Haku was suddenly seeming a little less girly, with the way he had Tobi's face in firm grip, and his (ThisissupposedtobePG3) in the other.

What went through Tobi's head at that moment was a mixture of worry (His crown is broken, he's hopped up on bad medicine and he is _way too good at this-)_ and arousal (_oh my god oh god oh god oh __god his tongue-)_ and happiness (Ha-HA, Take that Deidara! I'm shexy!) and insecurity (Please, please don't let it just be the medicine...)

_A few days later._

Tobi wouldn't mind having a lover. He had simply accepted that he would never, _ever_ have one. Something about the fact that he couldn't quite grasp the concept of "normal", and how he should go die in the dirt like a dog.

(He got all his romantic advice from Deidara.)

so when you consider the fact that Tobi had completely given up on having an actual _boyfriend/girlfriend_, and was resigned to growing old and alone and sad and ugly and lonely, this came as a bit of a surprise.

Haku stared down at him, and rocked a little.

Tobi grit his teeth and tried not to simply give in.

"Haku-san- you... were _injured_... Took ad-advanta- _Oh, god..."_

"_shut up!"_

Haku emphasized this statement by pushing his hips further, and pressing Tobi a little deeper into the floor of the abandoned classroom.

Tobi shut his trap, and let himself be loved.

**A.N.**

**The prompt was, Haku/Tobi, PG 13, on the floor, crown. I think I utterly failed on with the PG 13 bit, but I GOT CROWN IN THERE, BWAAAAHAHAHA!**


End file.
